How i surprise myself...!

I am so ready to quit my job for i strongly feel i have found new directions... One of which is COOKING... i never ever ever thought i'd say these words.. and its not that i have started to cook but i am suddenly in luv with the thought of cooking... specially baking.. i have in my life of 25 years have only baked once.. zeera cookies that turned too dry. I have cooked desi food many times (back in 2004/2005), but i cant say i am a good cook. I just never enjoyed cooking.

khair the point is i want to cook... but i need time for that... and that i can only get if i leave this job... the cook on weekend suggestion wont work... coz i hardly move on weekends so no thank you i will not like to change this routine... i think realistically thinking i might not stay in luv with cooking forever so i have caved for myself a few grand plans... a few projects that a house wife can take up. not that i am one but i do plan to get married and leave my job (family first :)). they seem achievable... abhe tak tu... So i have figured out that life does not end if you quit a 9-5 (in my profession way over 5) job and take up small activities... of course you wont earn enough money (lets be real, business rewards much later then u expect and sometimes never)... but it seems worth a try...

for this change of heart, i owe totally to this site:
http://smittenkitchen.com/2007/05/always-the-corniest/

the photographs are so tempting... i sold

the end...

The little things that leave a mark forever...!

- Saw an old man buy a wooden walking stick... the money that he counted out was in ten's, and seemed like they had been saved for this purpose specifically. He kept looking at the stick as if deciding if it was the right one. Confirmed again from the shopkeeper about the wood type... His eyes had a forlorn expression, the way he looked at the stick, it touched me, he seemed sad... Finally he put the stick down, shifted his frail body's weight on it and walked on. The new phase in his life began right there. He bought himself a new companion which from then on will accompany him forever.

- Went to Rahat bakery twice over the weekend and saw toddlers driving their parents CRAZY... mostly fathers, who appeared to be unusually calm about it all... Felt like shaking a few and get some sense into them.

- Across the road a pehlwaan (wearing dhotti and kurta with long mustaches)was pulling the rope at the end of which was big fat sheep who refused to budge... the tug a war was hella funny...

- A motorcyclist slowed down to hold the hand of a cyclist and then drag him along, saving the cyclist from paddling for a few minutes... there are still some considerate people left in this world :)

--- the little things that make you smile :)

Confessions of an addict..!

So they say I am an addict... book reading is an addiction... I’ve been accused of interfering into other peoples lives, which is what book reading is... Reading about other people, indulging into their private thoughts, judging them on how they live their life, making statements about their characters... so I like to sneak into other worlds, in other peoples lives... Worlds that are so different from mine, yet others that I can so relate to...

I don’t say that out though, I don’t admit that I look for solutions of my life from these stories... I am a coward who finds recluse in other people’s lives, a thief who steals words from books and apply them on my life… sometimes it works, sometimes they don’t and at others they just keep collecting at the back of my memory to haunt me of what I could have said and done.
I do like to know about other peoples lives… I don’t like to interfere but I am the most avid listener you can wish for… I love stories. Particularly attracted by the way they are told or the way or the way they are written. The twists and turns, the spur of the moment action, the decisions and the failures, the love found and lost, isn’t it all just amazing!

That’s life, different for everyone. And it’s beautiful. Be it tears of joy or failure, be it the love of your life or the lust followed by jealousy and more evil… its life and its beautiful… how I always want to live in stories… in other people lives.. How I’d like to be invisible …

Oh the thought, being invisible… that is one super power I’d love to acquire… be where no one knows I exist. See what many are keeping a secret, experience the thrill that many seek alone. Anything to be away from my minds evil grasp, away from the ‘What if’s’, anything.

Being in the real world, accepting the fact of not possessing any such power, I read… I pry into others lives, and I love it … …

So that makes me an addict?. Yes, so I am …so what … it’s a good addiction… not every addiction is bad… my argument: not every addiction is bad, it’s not harmful. I am not prying into real people’s life. I don’t investigate into private matters of anyone, be it my family or friends or just a stranger. I welcome any story and information being narrated to me but I will never force anything. So when I dwell into books its not personal, its not spying its not cheating. I read because it was written to be read in the first place so no one can really complain…

Phase...!

i am falling apart... i am loosing my composure... faith is what i am holding on to... rest is all bleak... i don't want help, i am not looking for solutions. this is a sweet revenge with myself, this pain is addictive, the tears comfort me... they take out all the hatred within me... i feel my head is going to explode, my brain has dried out, i want to sit in vacum and not see anything, i want silence, i need silence... i need to listen to my inner voice, we have to sort out things, me and my inner self.. i don't know if its love that's torturing me or is it that i cant hate the way i want to... i am drifting away... from my family, from my friends... from all who matter... nothing really matters anymore... i don't know what i am supposed to do... or i do but i don't know why i aint doing it... maybe its just a phase... it sure is a long one...

the fear unleashed

new things are coming up... a new fear just planted its roots ...today, right now... i can feel the chill deep inside... i heard the hidden words... i saw the truth behind the eyes... i need to do something or i need to leave my ground... for now they have options and they have decided to turn their eyes... they no longer see my pain, they refuse to see me dying inside...

its a battle against my own... and i am torn between myself ... I have lost the sense of right and wrong.. i am now walking on the edges... so close near the end that even a gentle breeze if comes my way can make me fall... I am hanging on to the strong rope of faith but my hands are weak and i dont know how long can i hold on...

i am in love ... :)

i am in love... this comes from a person who didnt believe in falling in love, who could not digest the fact that two people could get addicted to each other so much so that their whole lives twisted around each other... a person who never wanted to know what a lovers touch meant... sigh... i am in love.. i want to scream this to the whole world... i cant believe im in love... i still feel as if this is a dream and that i will soon wake up to the harsh reality of this world...the deep stir that his glance can arouse... the butterflies in my stomach when he smiles... the weakness in my knees when he touches and the racing of heartbeat when he confesses his love... sigh!! this is love... or is it???... i am in love ...and i am happy about it... they say love is blind..Ive read it a gazillion times, now i believe it. now for the first time i know what many facts really mean... the term 'i luv u' ..it was overrated in my opinion... now it dosent even express the luv that i truly feel... i almost whisper these words with every breath... yet they don't seem enough... Ive not lost my head completely, i wont jump off cliffs or kill anyone or myself and neither would i let him do that.. par how it seems that the future without him will be empty...i know the future with him aint all diamonds en clouds but i know it will have some moments i could spend my lifetime on... i want to take the risk..i want to fly... i want to dream so much more and i dont want to cry...
...my fairy tale continues..i still crave for his eyes... his voice soothes me down.. and his touch makes me high... i wish to be there for him when ever he needs me...i wish to become his strength... i wish him so much luv which will last till eternity... his smile is what i desire.. his happiness is all i require... i love him.. and i am so in love

and thy eyes speak more...!

insecurities of my mind... why are eyes so expressive... why do they speak what we dont want to say...

Change is good.... ?

There was a time when we were about only 25 people and everyone knew what every one else was doing... it was like a big family.. we shared jokes, had meals together, we were so happy... and then we moved...

... As if just a new place wasn't enough, new people joined, some weird some weirder ...sigh!!
...change is good.. i am not REALLY complaining... not really, but yes i am a little ticked off..and there is not one reason i can point.. i have experienced politics like never before... leg pulling was only a term i had read en heard of... and now i know... people who are insecure of themselves are the ones who try to remove those better then themselves... its stupud and its a highly immature act... specially coming from some one on a higher designation.. i mean hellooo.. get a life... sigh!!!

so the new beez... girrrrrrlls.. :)... i am so not used to having more girls around me.. but that's what it is now... it has become too crowded... the girls are oh so girls... the still haven't realized we are professionals kinda kinda girls... umm or maybe i was too serious and freaked out when i joined.

khair the worst induction in our team is this guy now unofficially called 'chuara'...and uff he is a jerk... yup that's what he is.. and his biggest trait or feature you can say is staring at females ..wallahh!
en to top that when confronted by a CS guy (posing to be the daddy o)..he stated tha the dosent stare en is just observant, followed by that he has this secret power through which he can read faces.. i wonder why this special power only works on female... any guesses???

well he was highly offended by of this accusation en has talked to like half the office about it..that includes me too ... en he thought i would take his side en was sorta taken aback when i told him that i noticed him staring ... en honestly i have tried to get along with him or at least get him in the loop of what i am doing par..u know some people who start getting on your head if u give them this tinee winee liberty.. well he's that breed.. so we are done -khalaas-... he's on my ignore list... en im glad i wont be working with him in future coz ive been shifted to neslte team :D (i.e. i design for nestle products now )... that's a good change for my career... so i am hoping for the best... lets see!

its getting dark.. someone please hit the light...!

In the light of the day i seek faces... i look for familiar eyes.... i yearn for the comforting smiles...

…its dark… its just dark…

--

Love will find a way… I know

The words that haunt my mind… those that are crumbling my personality…. Shattering my ego.. only my faith remains… weekend but I still stand… and I will remain standing…

… My fear, my biggest fear… I am ruining a human …I am playing with a beating heart… I am betraying someone’s feelings, and I am still breathing, eating and living… life’s not unfair, humans are not meant to be cruel, I shouldn’t be playing with someone’s heart… but I am…

.. I am holding on to the thinnest thread of hope, dreams are no longer there, even the day dreaming is lost… I am cruel in the meanest sense… I know…

Selfishness prevails, it does… I am engulfed in guilt of what I am doing to a lot of people around me. But I cant stop myself, I don’t want to.. Sometimes being selfish becomes your only reason to survive… and I wish to survive… though I would have preferred other circumstances…

Maybe not… this is life… like I like to say ‘life as it comes’ … this is my life and I love it.. I am not suicidal, I never will be, InshAllah… yet I cant say I will survive.. I will live, yes I will. For those that I have chosen as more important then my own self… but living will then be debatable…

sigh!!!

words are suffocating me... i need to write so much that i don't know where to begin... i want to write... i crave the privacy to write.... i feel this strong urge to get things out of my mind and on canvas...

The daughter that i am...!

i am not a good daughter, i just haven't caused my parents any trouble...

i have never given them any happiness, its just that their worries do not revolve around me...

i haven't given them the respect they deserve, i just am not disrespectful...

i don't strive hard enough, my life is withering away within these thoughts...i wish too much but hope for none... i don't dream yet the reality keeps me going...
...i feel like running away (yes, again) but the paths are lost... there is only this narrow little path and so i keep walking on that...i cant see where it is leading me, i don't really care, i am just walking...

...i condemn 'me' of the behavior that i present myself with... yet i pretend that there isn't anything wrong

...i look for the reasons...i search myself time and again... but i am hollow... so empty, completely devoid of the factors needed to make my parents' life better... so i just go on living the way i already do...

this is me, this is yet another face of myself... this is the daughter that i am to two people who have so extravagantly loved me that it makes me guilty. People who smile when they see me smiling and who's eyes crowd with worry when i am in one of my stupid moods... the souls who let me live my life... give me the right to make my own decisions trying their best to hide their exact feelings about the matter until after i have decided...

Parenthood...its a damn difficult job, scares the hell out of me at least...and i think not everyone is strong enough to carry this duty... we humans are flawed... and be it any position, criticism is always there, which makes their life more difficult though challenging. If the darn child isn't intelligent, 'the parents didn't pay attention'... if the child is not successful or doing well in studies, 'parents negligence' ...in particular cases, i can agree but HELLLOOO its not always the parents fault you know... we being the supreme beings are born with a brain, and we don't really need any lessons in how to use it...parents can make mistakes too, it should not instigate the blame game...that leads no one anywhere...why don't people realize that...wasting time accusing, grieving, fighting...dude life is too short for all this ...maybe there should be a book titled 'how to use brain affectively for idiots' ...

hats off to all those parents who tolerate children like my siblings and I... its not an easy job ...nope sir, its not easy... !

my Hero's Lost...!

What rubbish ....i hate it when people leave... specially people whom i have developed some affection for...i dont like that... and now that the people who i not only like but adore have started to leave, a sudden rush of sadness engulfs me... how certain things are just not within our control... i know its some grand plan of my Lord... but Dear God, such mysteries ...

my mates at the office... not my team mates but the ones who are my hero's, are planning to resign... all of them..all 4 of them... sigh... they have their reasons... and how the management is treating them, that is exactly what they should do... i wont stop them... but i am so sad inside... this place would be so empty when they leave...

...life and its changes... they are such lovely spirits, each in their own special way...i ll write about them separately someday... i'd like that ... but the most precious thing about them is the way they treat me... yes back to me myself (i am lame..its always about me in the end!)... these guys made me a better person... they made this world a better place for me... they gave me the confidence to face this world with my shortcomings... though they don't know about that and they didn't do anything deliberately, or anything that they boast about...they are just like that... but i know how it helped me be what i am today... so yeah ill miss them too darn much... oh well...!

A little confused...me and my mind here ...!

Pardon me...but i am still trying to figure out this whole blogger dude... you see i still havent seen the main page of blogger...when ever i i click on the main page i get the dashboard...so it can be me and my system somehow at fault coz why in the world would blogger have no flashy, cozy main page...

...second...i cant delete the 'strangertales' page... might i remind you that my active pages name is 'A Strangers tales' ....so umm what to do...i went through the FAQ's but couldn't find anything futile... oh well... ill go on writing... something with come up eventually ...i think ..!

Now...!

So i have decided... i have made my decision... my heart won over my brain (loser)... i have chosen to live the happy days, till they last... i am not really sorry on my decision...yes i needed the money , yes i need to run away from a storm that i feel is coming way too quickly... but I've made my decision and its too late to revert back... i'd like to think it that way...

... now that i am through, now that i have chosen the path, a strange feeling is lurking somewhere at the back... i hate intuitions, i just don't like the feelings i get of something bad that might occur... why i don't get the feeling of something good happening is beyond me...

...Now i have nothing to look forward to... i have given the go to my mum to seal my fate to whom ever she wishes and when ever she wants... that is what she wanted and that is what she wanted me to say...so i said it...i want to run away though... i want to live my life again, want to feel the independence, enjoy the time that will always be mine...forever... i want to re-live the time again... that time i spent in pindi all by myself... the 2 years i lived without my family... its not that i am running away from my duties... i just want to feel that free again... is this too much to ask...

...i feel happy...for now yes...i think i have made the right decision, Allhumdullillah.. kal kis nae dekhe hae yaar... lets enjoy while today lasts ...shall we...!

Dilemma ....!

Things i want and the things i wish i had…a list of options, well two exactly are before me but I cant decide. The options are very clear, both present very solid reasons but it’s not just that… the things have gotten a little out of hand… the fight now is between the heart and mind… my friggin’ heart and mind… and as I have posted before both are jerks of a higher degree so its hard to settle arguments between them… what I really need to do right now as in RIGHT now is to go out and jog ….run till my heart is all pumping wildly and my brain blocks out other stupid thoughts and helps my heart function properly… yes that’s exactly what I need… damn the fact that its too late for me to go out alone …damn…. So here I am stuck between this little decision on which my future is based… it’s a little decision, as little as I am (people around me try to convince me about me being short height- ed.. sigh!) …but it’s a decision nonetheless…

…here’s the deal…should I live my life being happy and claiming to be loving it with no guarantee of what my tomorrow will be (including the happiness bit), or should I sacrifice my happiness (well I wont be completely miserable, but not as happy yes), and plan my future and according to it… ?...

if you ask me…as in the Me me …I’d go with live the happier life mate… “kal kis nae dekhe hae” …enjoy while it still lasts… but this terrible brain of mine…(yes you with 38% intelligence ONLY…ppppfffttt) states that it doesn’t look like I am dying any soon, and that I might see a few more sunsets (I have not seen a sunrise in years) …so I should concentrate on my ambitious plans… go ahead take the deserted path and start walking (its about time…!) …what rubbish… I can’t say anyone of them is wrong… if you ask Me me…oh I know…shut up Mahwash…

Change my identity... can I...!

I want to be a Chinese…be a Chinese citizen… why?... simple… I want to be a part of the nation that is growing heaps and bounds, a nation that has the fastest growing economy… a place where a common villager knows that there are ways to prosper excel beyond their cottages… where a simple house wife dreams and plans to have a business of her own and knows that it is possible because her government has started such programs. She is confident that it is possible…I want to own Chinese history that the world knows… be a part of the legacy that is renowned and is told as if its the richest story to be told… I want to be a part of all that… am I wrong!

I know… and yet I wish … what is it that China has and my own country fails to offer…my Pakistan …ill tell you what… my country has one the most richest characters… its one place where you will find lands as dry as the mind of my creative director… challenging the lushness of lands covered in such abundant beauty and minerals that makes you live all over again…

…Life’s different in my country… as I grew up I was taught to keep myself and my home clean but was always told to throw the garbage outside the car on the road… I was familiarized with red, green and yellow yet it was ok to drive on when the traffic police wasn’t on duty… Life’s different in my land… patriotism was the name of the game on which we got this doggy shape but you’re the hero of the family and a source of inspiration if you’ve got a job abroad or even made it to the shore of the foreign land.

My land is exceptional…rich, rich cultures, absolutely remarkable and distinct in their own special ways… every city, every province, every sect, behaves in a way that has compelled me to think that its only the boundaries that are keeping my nation together … the difference is always clear…

…Oh and yes of course the language…. We are proud of having a beautiful language ‘Urdu’; a sweet, soft lingo binding the huge gap of communication in only four small provinces … but somehow English has become THE language of the educated…its ok if your kid fails in Urdu or cant read two lines in a row from an Urdu newspaper but its BLASPHEMY is they cant converse in a defined English accent dude…

ahh my sweet country, it welcomes everyone.. all you need is to have a different colored passport and you’ll see our fair teeth (well not everyone’s of course) … but that’s good because it’s a huge boost to our economy, an increase in the privatization will lead my country to prosperity… so what if the culture is vanishing, traditions???... is that even a word now… westernization is only making the youth loose track of who they really are, but who cares…

yeah its all about caring for each other that keeps relationships, its all about thinking that can make anyone go forward and beyond and its only about realizing the ever so visible and obvious facts that our nation is going towards the wrong path… the differences in cultures can be appreciated but those in the hearts, cracks the strong wall of a nation that has stories of brotherhood to last a life time… the dissimilarity in languages is richness, but that in living and behaving of citizens has caused barbed wires to go up…

Life’s not a big deal you know… living alone is so easy… it’s the test of going on together that counts… my nation is the land of opportunities and I believe in it… for years it has seen hardships, has bore the burden of corruption and destruction, yet it remains ..its still here and it will remain inshAllah…

… I want my country to have amazing leaders, I want the people to have the courage that what they dream is possible and not just a laughing stock for the already successful … I want Urdu to be the language everyone is proud of… I my traditions and culture to be known by the world… I wish for all this and so much more …if only … !

Anonymous...!

A person who teaches your mind is called a teacher… what do you call a person who teaches you much beyond that…

Sir Nisar Mirza, a human being beautiful to the core of his heart and soul. Writing about him I feel lost of words, exactly the way my country has lost an asset, an icon in the field of photography and videography. I know many who read this have never heard of his name, what a pity that a person recognized internationally as being one of the best videographer and photographer of Pakistan died quietly on November 24, 2005 without any recognition. A part of Pakistan Television for decades, he not once was appreciated by the authorities as was his rightful due.

Sir Nisar had the eyes of an observer who captured images as though each one had a story that it whispered. He brought unspoken colors in his black and white photography and captured the scenes in a way that was every director’s dream.

His love for the camera was well known within those of us who proudly call themselves his students. He taught us what needed to be learned and in a manner that we will always remember for as long as our memories will abide. His ‘sardar ji’ jokes will always be recalled and the way he used to laugh with his students would always be cherished, for there are very few who have the persona of life within themselves and what to speak of a man who was dignity and integrity complete, within those deep brown eyes.

Although the world and specially my country failed to recognize what they had, we the students of Fatima Jinnah Women University, Rawalpindi are among those who had this honor of knowing a man who was the mere definition of self made and a complete description of a teacher not to mention a rightfully decent human being. His relation to God is known only to him, but his relation to the Gods creations was more than evident in his magnificent work. He was proud of what he had created and how right he was in being so, for every image, every scene spoke of experience, of his dexterity and of his delightful nature. Never was he seen without a smile and never was he around without a handful of his well wishers.

We lost what we can never gain. We lost what should have been found a long time ago. All that we are left with are memories and all that is left behind is his life’s achievements. If only someone would recognize what loss has occurred, if only someone would save many others from suffering the same fate.

I wish to remain anonymous for two reasons. One because those who knew him knew that I was never known to him, and those who know me do not know what regard I held for this magnificent human who has departed. And second, all that I have written is I am sure a cry from many hearts, especially his students.

May Allah bless his soul and may he spend his eternal life in the heavens that have been promised.

A name that will always be remembered by those who met him even once, a name that has left a mark on all those he ever taught, a name that is all there is left… Sir Nisar Mirza.

-------------An article i wrote for my teacher...a person who will be remembered forever...

The lost words...!

Forget the past, sleep the day,
Wake not for the dawn of tomorrow.

Bleed the pen, burn the paper,
Dry those tears of eternal sorrow.

Blind the eyes, pack full the ears,
Wipe the traces of that lonely smile.

Turn full-around, re-trace your steps,
and walk alone for a while.

---------------------
some times certain words just make you stop and think.... they actually make you think of things that are clogged behind your mind, you know they are there but you dont deal with em, coz ..well, there is this folder that has to go out today before lunch time or that client didnt like those designs..or something likewise...
not everything is meant to be taken lightly but yet we being the supreme beings are capable of doing just that... and we never learn...and we never will...

i read these words in the blog of a lady by the name of Yasmine... i confess to be a fan of her blogs... she has a gift... and provides the best pass time in office when i dont want to work ;).. so neither do i personally know this lady nor this guy (May his soul rest in peace) about whom she had written...the post was i would say ok but what touched me were these words... it gave away so much about the person...
What he was and what he did...was something commendable and not what every second person is capable of doing... yes as they say that our Lord does take away those much earlier whom he holds special... i had the privilege of going through his blog.. i havent read much but my favorite piece is as follows:

‘Me’ - who is that anyway?

I keep asking myself,
Should I be scared?

I worry about them,
I warn them to stay safe

Then they ask about me
And I fall silent again

‘Me’ - who is that anyway?
Am I supposed to care

Write ...O right...!

The strong urge, the strongest urge to write... yet i so freakin cant... yani kae *sigh* ... my head is crowded by so many and i mean so many topics that i wish to write about, yet i am unable to...why, lack of a proper environment (like right now with so much noise around me) but to top that load shedding.... horrendous it is really... up to 8 hours of no light...you start feeling as if you live in stone age...
...the shortage of water in the dams is scary enough and to top that we have light fluctuation...thats enough to at least stop a computer + internet addict like me to stay away from it and guard it so that no one else should even think of turning it on...
i have loads of data that i cant afford to loose, stored away, collecting dust en viruses (i am sure) in those separate hard drives... me and my laziness for not making copies en backups...i know its mighty risky en dangerous par ummm yes i will one day inshAllah sit and do this long pending task...i will ....