The history repeats iyself...!

its unfortunate.... highly unfortunate...Benazir Bhutto was killed by a gun shot which was followed by a suicide attack... its not the loss of the opposition party... leaders come and go , they change, its not that.... its not the loss of the husband... its not... its the loss of the children ... a mother died.. not a leader not a wife but a mother... how explicable-y sad ... unfortunate is all i can say... this was not for the sake of religion.. i am glad for that.. but for power, how lame can the mankind get...
they say she died by a snipper shot in the neck that severed her breathing pipe and then blown by a suicide bomber... many stories will follow.. long ago i heard that she had a mark on the neck and people with such marks get hanged...her father had one (so i have heard) and she got killed by a bullet in the neck... what more is to become... now her children will come into politics a few years from now and would follow the same path that Benazirs' father had paved... i am was never one of her fans... and she was one of the most corrupt politicians in Pakistan... yet i feel sad at this event ...and sorry that she died... may our Lord bless her and forgive her for her sins and may our Lord guide those who did this, towards a better path...
| ... |
a procession just broke outside my colony... its an army colony well within the cantonment area... did some one say cantt is safe ...*sigh* ...people i don't know who, tried to break into the colony... allot of banging was heard...it was probably someones car.. and i think they broke the mirrors of the front row houses...the guard cabins and one of the entrance gates have been destroyed...unfortunate...now why would someone do that... and i am sure many of those who did this ..did it only for the heck of it...
...what of the poor soles who just lost their cars...
... damn ..i just heard a blast sound from somewhere left ...what more will go wrong... i can see the smoke flames.... marked is this day with allot of sad events...
... my count has gone up to three of the blast sounds... we just went out to the colony market to get some essentials in case the situation got worse... since it is being advised not to leave home let alone our colony and heavy police is guarding our gates...
...what will now become of my country... May my Lord helps us out once more in this tragic event... Ameen

O gaya Bakra...!

Allah -ho- Akbar .... and the neck is sliced... i managed to look till bhai held the knife in just the right position... and again when life was going out of the prettiest one and he jerked a few times... if this qurbani weren't purely for the Religious purpose i would really have considered it barbaric... i can understand how non Muslims feel about this...its a sight not for the weaker hearts... what can be more traumatizing for the poor goats then to watch one of their own being but right in front of them... despite my pleas the other two witnessed the first one going down and then the second one... the third, i think was of the strongest heart to not have died of a heart failure on seeing the others go down like that... and the first one the bravest, for he was the notorious one and banged en kicked around these previous two nights..not to mention that he dragged me behind him out of the quarters in the morning and then at night again instead of the other way around... but this morning he just stood there en trembled but didn't try to run away... * sigh* ... and so they are gone.. another year another sacrifice... same dua ... 'may Allah accept it and bless us all...Ameen' ...

...its a tough job i tell you... i always considered knife one of the cruelest of weapons... one can actually feel the intensity with which the sharp razor penetrates the others body ...a slow motion picture plays in my mind every time i say this (those with special affects u know i.e. mist, the shinny blade, the exact sound affects ;))... and i thought client servicing was the worst hob in the world... a butcher tops my ranking from today onwards ... and here i was thinking that i should do one qurbani this time... but i am glad i found out that a woman cant do that ...

....and now that the poor souls have departed and now lay in the kitchen, beautifully cut en sliced... the coming hours are going to be nothing but YUMMILICIOUS :D.... its BBQ time my friends ...yayyyy! .... i surprise myself at how cruel i am... only a few hours ago i was feeling absolutely sorry for the poor things ..i still do but the thought of all that food awaiting en the good company... life has to go on ..ain't it ;)....

... and all that blood... i know the color is just marvelous and one can actually kinda enjoy the blood coming out...if only the animal would disappear or at least wouldn't make those heart wrenching noises and those attempts to free it self... ab koi btai us ko...kae bhai ab kiya faida bhagnae ka ...katee hoe gardan ka kiya achar dalae ga ... coming back to the blood ... its always a different red... some times the beautiful cherry red... at the other times a deep musky maroon... that gives the warmest of feelings...

To eat or not to eat...!

guess what i had for lunch today ...allu ka paratha :D... and yesterday... keema wala naan... and day before that ...bong or wong or something with this kinda sound... its a Kashmiri dish that needs to be cooked overnight ...to the point that the meat vanishes and all you see on first glance are huge weird bones and a yellowish, greenish and a few other colorish, stock... i cant say its something i enjoy since i am a pronounced meat person... but i took other things to compliment it...We kashmiri's eat too much... in fact all Lahori's eat too much... yet for me its the season which has created the main difference... summers are too warm to think about warm food but winters are just grand...my stomach knows exactly when the weather has changed ...not that it gets upset or anything... it just starts demanding for food like ive never eaten before... and now at lunch time you will often find me saying 'so hum khanae main kiya kha rahe hain' ...which usually gets a statement from someone and i quote 'pehle tu kuch bhe nai khati thee ab kiya houa' apart from the customized statement from HR 'aur bhai mahwash kiya khila rahe hai aj' ...i openly declare all the blame on winters :D... the partial truth is that now i feel comfortable enough with the people around me to ask them for something or something of this sort...
but its ok i guess... this change...since i have started my walk/jog thingi' lately..and it gets me going... and i don't eat late in the night anymore ... apart from a few occasions of course...like yesterday (talk about 'lately' ) *sigh*, when we had soup en chow men (how ever it is written...noodles), at one in the morning...i was about to go to bed when up came my sibs with this treat en i couldn't say no... you know i have a weak heart so its hard to say no to food even its Chinese (which is never my first choice, if asked) ....and then i went straight to bed...now i am sure one night wont hurt my already night food affected physic ... ;)

Change of Season...!

So i thought to myself...why do i write so much crap wrapped up in my self proclaimed poetry... when more then half the people who read it don't understand it...the other half of the half read and whisper * what a loser*...the last half are my favorite people who take out the time to read and then reply so lovingly that i resume to think that i can write :D... *hugs* for all of you...

i have decided to go off poetry for a while, since i want to write about people and events that i enjoy...and i want to experiment if i can quote them so that people who read can also enjoy em... or even if not that, i just want to do it for the heck of it... i JUST want to write ...

...lately i've been thinking, organizing my thoughts, listing down subjects about which i want to write...and uff there are so many...i have even started to compose em in my mind but as lame as my brain gets with too much processing ..i end up mixing everything and anything to the point that i stop altogether, lost to the point of how and why i began thinking... this was just one issue.. another being that i need to do something about my three dots... u know ( ... ) these... i cant live without them... i mean one dot doesn't seem like the perfect ending to a sentence...there has to be more at least three... yeah i know, its not a logical reason...to top that i even know that these three dots are ruining my punctuation yet i don't care...i don't want to ..but then why should i ....WHY... the point is to write...just write... ain't it ?... i know..but sush...lets drop this...
...no other pressing issues ...life's good...i wish i can find time to write in office...but i cant manage...i need my silence and peace to write... and with the constant intervention from the guys and the rest of the office i cant ...and then i need my privacy...if H keeps dropping in like he does and HR turning towards my screen en saying 'bas kar poondi karna mahwash...' i know i ll loose my concentration... maybe the idea of having separate cabins wont be that terrible... though i kinda like this clerk like setup we have abhe...because here we sit together en enjoy each others company..or rather i enjoy their company..i cant say the same for them :).... but we look like freakin' clerks otherwise...stupid light brown tables with papers and dummies all thrown about...i admit my table is the dirtiest most of the time... where i should be the sole example of a true representative of a professional working woman, i happily let my specie down ... my excuse... in the creative business my friends the dirtier the better... ;)

I am BLIND...!

caressing the wind in my hand...standing on a sand dune...tiny grains forming and breaking faces around me.... i pick up different stones...mark my existence...i keep looking...reading faces and eyes...in search of a dream... a reality that dosent exist...a mirage that wont go away...too close to the truth yet surrounded by lies....running away from what might be destiny...standing face to face with life...yet ... i am blind

You know you grew up in Pakistan...When...!

> . Evenings on STN/NTM were the highlight of your day.

> . The Jetsons, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Captain Planet were dubbed in Urdu.

> . If you were lucky, you had a dish, and you'd watch Disney Hour dubbed in Hindi on Zee TV and write to the host Vishaal. And you never missed 'Hum Paanch' (Pa-Pa-Pa-PAANCH!) or Tu Tu Mein Mein either.

> . You played 'Kings' in school (the game where the first person to yell 'Kings' would try to step on someone's foot. Then that person would try to
step on someone else's foot and so forth).

> . Playground feminism took form in the shape of 'Queens' (essentially the same thing as 'Kings') and 'Kish,' that weird jumping game that involved
> two teams and a loop of elastic (usually made out of a few shalwars' worth of elastic tied together, snuck secretly because the mums would get sick of their daughters wasting a perfectly good roll of elastic.)

> . Guys only ever played cricket and football, depending on what world cup was going on at the time.

> . The only co-ed sport that was ever played was dodgeball (called Dodge the Ball) and girls were actually pretty good at it.

> . You played Dark Room, Tilo-Express, Oonch Neech, Chor-Sipahi and Chupan Chupai.

> . You decided conflicts not by rock-paper-scissors, but by Pugan-Pugaai, In Pin Safety Pin, or Akar-Bakar-Bambay-Bo.

> . 5 words: Assoo-Panjoo-Haar-Kabootar -Doli.

> . Anyone owning a real Barbie or Hot Wheels was a source of envy and admiration.

> . 'Bil Patori naasa chori aadhi mithi aadhi kori I'm sorry I'm sorry' means something to you. As do 'ZAAAAAYYYMEEENAAAA!!!' and 'Mein kon hoon,

> mein kya karoon, mein kiss ko khaaon' and 'Ulloo ulloo hello, ulloo ulloo hello.'

> . You wished you were Imran or Moattar from Ainak Waala Jin.

> . You had nightmares about Bil Patori and Haamoon Jadoogar.

> . You drank Frost juice with Super Crisp chips. And then when you were done, you'd chuck the juice box on the floor and jump on it to burst it.

> . 'Idiot,' 'Shut Up' or 'Badtameez' was your first cuss word.

> . There was never a line at the canteen. Instead everyone drove the canteen wala mad by screaming at the top of their lungs.

> . You were cool if you could finish a whole pack of Crunchies or Slanties without showing any signs of weakness, including drinking water afterwards.

> . You picked out only the chips from your mum's Nimco.

> . You remember RC Cola and how no one liked it.

> . It was taboo for guys to drink Mirinda/Fanta because it was a GIRL's drink.

> . You idolized Imran Khan even though he was retired when you were 2 or 3, and wiped your face with your Pepsi bottle or Frost juice because he did it in that ad.

> . Wasim Akram's 'mein cigarette nahi peeta' ad made half ur generation vow to never smoke (the other half just missed out on good stuff).

> . You had to ask 'Ma'am/Miss may I come in' before entering a class, and you had to stand up to answer questions during a lesson.

> . Cordless phones were the coolest things.

> . You went crazy when your dad bought his first ever mobile, and you wouldn't shut up about it to your friends.

> . You carried around a cordless phone in your bag/pocket pretending it was a mobile phone, because heck, they both looked the same back then didn't they?

> . You begged your parents for a walkman and then bought tapes of Junaid Jamshed, or if you were really cool, Junoon.

> . You went to a Junaid Jamshed concert in a PAF building or a Junoon concert in PC.

> . You remember Fakhr-e-Alam hosting the Top Ten on NTM and his 'Bhangra Rap' was always #1.

> . #2 was 'Jaadoo Ka Charagh' by Awaz and #3 was 'Dohlna' by Shehzad Roy.. #4 was 'Mann de Moaj' by Hadiqa Kayani, the only cool female-singer in Pakistani (and that was her only song for a long time, till she sang Dupatta Mera Malmal Ka.')

> . You were really sad when Awaz split up. And later you took sides between Haroon and Fakhir, and if you liked one you had to hate the other.

> . You remember waking up early in the morning on Saturdays and Sundays (back when they weren't weekends) before school to watch English cartoons on Star Plus (before it got taken over by the Indians).

> . You still hold a grudge against the Indianization of Star Plus after all those years.

> . You remember celebrating when they changed the weekends to Saturday and Sunday because it meant Friday was a half-day.

> . You remember crying because of it if you were older, since the schools would make you come on Saturday for a full day anyway.

> . You played Sega-Mega Drive, Atari and Super Nintendo.

> . You played Mario Brothers like there was no tomorrow.

> . You remember the Nintendo game where you had to shoot ducks with an actual gun-shaped joystick and thought it was the most amazing thing ever.

> . Your life was never the same again when your first Windows 95 was set up in your house.

> . You played Dave 1 and thought level three was the hardest thing in the world. Then you upgraded to Lion King (probably from a Power Games CD
bought out in the street).

> . You shafted Polka Ice Cream when Walls became popular. And yes, admit it, you used to wait for the Ice Cream wala in the afternoon and bought
Paddle Pops from him.

> . Walls wasn't as good as the Challi Walla (end there were rumors that people loved them so much because there was chars in the masala).

> . The boys watched Captain Majid (some daring girls did too) and the girls watched Jem (so did some guys, for that matter, and hid their interest under the pretext of making fun of their sisters).

> . Cartoon Network showed good stuff like Johnny Bravo and Johnny Quest before crap like Cow and Chicken ruined everything.

> . You had 'kutti' (pinkie finger) with your enemies and 'sulli' (index+middle finger) with your friends.

> . Our idols were either the guys from Alpha Bravo Charlie or the guys from Teen Bata Teen.

> . It's 'copy,' 'rubber,' and 'dustbin.' Or rather, 'duss-bin.' And 'desk' was once 'dex.'

> . Your childhood was over when they made you stop using pencils and start using fountain pens. And you always made a mess filling the ink.

> . You watched Small Wonder, even after it was dubbed in Hindi by Star Plus.

> . You wanted to be on the Crystal Maze, The Legends of the Hidden Temple and such game shows.

> . The coolest clapping games were 'Cham Cham Cham,' 'O Pillar,' 'Zig Zag Zoo.'

> . You were on the top of the food chain if you were made monitor (and you very easily abused the power too, by chucking chalk and dusters at
> people).

> . Sit/Stand, Murghi, and sitting in the bad-kid section was the usual punishment. And the good girls would sit with the bad boys in a vain attempt to civilize them.

---------------------------------------------------
amazing how i can actually relate to most of these facts...life ... =)

Within the lines, a life unkown...!

a large center marked by thick dots all around..a boundary defined..finished by tiny two's on each thick one...balancing it so that it remains perfect and pretty...i try.., but human as i am i commit mistakes....i underestimate appearances...i knew appearances can be deceiving yet i fail myself again.... wandering off towards the thick dots..the forbidden area...i still do what i feel best..my muscles stiff and i am tired...but i keep trying... the pain always brings relief.... the cracks have started to appear....the edges are dry and coarse..damaging the boundary that holds within, the residue that can still creep out and cause trouble...the center..still untouched and unsettled ...but its trapped now... nowhere to go...it will just dry out with time....leaving the color that will mark destiny... or so it is believed ...with every passing minute, i look closely and all i see is a new crack...prints of the lines on my hand...that hide within my future ...how things, even tiny dots start to symbolize with something as vast as life itself.. a simple pattern of henna and the story it told ...

Let me try...!

let me turn a leaf... let me just try....let me touch the forbidden ...but my feet deny....
reaching out for a difference... reaching deep within... reaching for a life...but its hard...
my heart deceives me...it steps onto forbidden territory... i am pulling it back ...trying ..

A simple minds tale....!

the urge to be so many yet i am no one... the wish to achieve too much when i stand empty handed... the complete belief in my Lord yet i feel frail... the thoughts of happiness when the wold around me is crashing... i stumble upon steps...then rise again and start over,...i touch the possibilities then step back ... i have started dreaming ...i don't want to... i am rushing towards the next step ..my memories are vanishing.... i want to leap high and beyond.... i reach out but catch only air....i feel secluded..yet surrounded by a huge crowd... out numbered and weak... i am pushed by pillars to carry on....my life is not boring...its a new image every minute...i live at one moment and wish to die in the other...am i insane or is it every minds tale ..... ?

Run Away...!

run away my friend run away to that far away land..where fairies will greet you and the paths will always be smooth...run away over that mountain..where the sun shines brighter.. where the rain is bitter sweet....run away...be a apart of the world that had no flaws...make a life that has no sorrows, no boundaries no complications...run away my friend run away...away into your dreams..dream of happiness and accomplishments and success...remember no one ..shred your memories, burn the papers...stop collecting stones, never look back...never...for the good has bad in the end...happiness is attached to sorrows and memories are painful...

...but remember...never again mention the word fighter..never call your self a survivor..never bother to define brave...don't stop hurting yourself ...take memories for granted ...discard any thoughts of healing while facing the pain ...run away my friend ...run away ... far far away!

The pleasure of being a woman...!

standing on the footpath of a not so busy road... clad in what most would agree to call as decently covered... two cars pass by blinking lights signaling...one preferred to blow a rhythmic horn....a young biker with his friend suddenly claims his love by saying 'i love u..will u marry me'....and glares from passer by MEN trying to notice something that might fancy them...

....proud to be Muslims are we not !!!...what a pity i live amongst those who cannot relate any woman with the word respect ...how they forget that they have wives, daughters and sisters...but o yes they'd give u the reason that their women don't come of out of the house or stand on the foot path for a rickshaw.... yes i live amongst male chauvinists who call them selves Muslims and cannot accept the fact that every woman outside the boundaries of her house is not an element for them to abuse (be it of any kind)....
...it saddens me to endure such scenarios...thank God i was born in a family where i am given the respect that i think a woman deserves... i am glad...i cant say more

----------------------------------
i know not everyone is alike...just quoting a personal experience...but i know not all men are alike :

my Day...!

Born in May
This very day
O' Glorious day
A Big Hurray!
Today! is Friday!
I humbly pray
That Happiness will stay
In so many shades of vary
And leads the way
For Joys in an array
No times to Fray
All the way
Enjoy your Day
For years to stay
Flowers in your Tray
So Heavy - that Hard to carry
Cool Breeze, Clouds, Rainy and Airy
Blessings and all - A Shower, a Spray
Without a trouble, No sign of Worry
With cute lil' pets - (not) all that Furry
What else I have to say
My wishes made of pre-fired clay
The colour is Grey .
from a rare-existent - peculiar quarry
For a nice Fairy
A page from my Diary
With shear respect, earnest wishes, my Very .
They all call her an amazing Buddy
She did her Study!
New Job - Next Month is the Payday!
She liked a lot, player # 3's Hairy
Born in May
This very day
What a Glorious day
For You, A Big Hurray!

------------------------------
the most cutest wish of the day......:)....i just had to share it with the rest of my friends ....thank you everyone for remembering me...and Rizwan for going to such troubles of writing and rhyming.... bless you all

The Plasyic bag...!

i stood with my back to the world,
the wind making chaos of my hair
the light piercing me with its rays
i stand and stare at my shadow....
i hear the plastic cursing the wind yet flowing to places unknown
i merge in the songs of the trees dancing with the breeze..
i see my silhouette pushed by the wind
i stare at my shadow but its blank
i feel the dust on my bare arms
i notice how the wind dosent let me look up
i touch my shadow and its outline
and stop at the marking of my heart
i hold it with both my hands and i feel...
i see the trees dancing and making love
i capture the dust patterns in my mind before they disperse
i see the plastic bag again this time flowing like an unkempt soul
one drop on the forehead..the other on the hand and a third on the eye...
i smell the most refreshing fragrance of the wet earth...i smell the fears inside
an indication to let go ..to see what is shown and to explore
an aura encapsulates me ..i am winded around by the soft harsh breeze ...
i stand with my back to the world and i stare at my shadow
..and it dosent stare back.....

--------------------
looks like its finally gona rain...its about time...i feel very dry inside .... plus it was a sand storm and now i need a shower :) so brb ;)

my Birthday

Is your birthday day 18 of the month?

Your Life

At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your joyful character only in good mood. One the other hand, when you are moody, no one would dare to be around. Because of your emotion fluctuation and frank character, some find you hard to be around.

Your Love

You hardly show your feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so your love affairs often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity makes you very attractive.

---------------------------------------------------------
i have to say it is some what correct :)...thanks Bro for sharing ;)

Going down...!

i want to cry...i want tears to flow non stop....i want to cry...i have a heavy heart...i cant compose words to let out my pain...its strangling my throat...my brain feels dead...i am loosing the battle to reason... how hard it is to bear the thought of what lies ahead might not be waht we want...im loosing the little trust i had in the few people i know or knew...im drifting away... far deep within...i have had phases before but this time it seems like a long slow process that might last for longer if not forever... i have not lost faith...i still believe that everything that happens happens for a reason... and that my Lord knows whats better for me.... still a weakling as i am... i want to cry... but the tears reuse to fall... stubborn as i am...i want to cry

My first day...!

ok so i was escorted by a marching band on the front steps of the office...but...i didn't go in right away..why?? because i was ten minutes early "_ ....lol...so i waited in the car ..went to buy a bottle of water ..came back ..and then went in finally ...to be received by no one...but thank God people were moving about...i waited for someone to appear or ask...a human did ask why i was there and then went away.. then finally the receptionist showed up called someone about me then chatted with me a while...
...so this client service guy come up introduces himself and then takes me upstairs to introduce the creative team The names of whom i have forgotten of course (as i am bad with names)...and all the basic hello hi followed... and so i sit down on my desk which is not comfortable but i will live...and the chair which need to be pushed up every 2 hrs or so is comfortable ... so nothing drastic happens apart from a general meeting with the gm and another team member ...she then takes me to the other departments that Adil missed out (again forgetting the finance and account..which i didn't even remind her that id like to see because i didn't ;))...
..she then wasted allot of her time with me and explained how things work and what campaigns are going on an yada yada and all what i ll be doing etc... and then asks me to chill since the coming days were very hectic....
...me waiting for some action didn't say anything because i thought i should better shut up on the first day ;)...not knowing of course what the coming days would be like...and so my journey begins
...till lunch pure boredom since i had nothing to do...chatted with an old colleague who had been working here for a yr now...though we were not on very friendly terms ever but still he was polite enough to come over and as if i needed anything and how things were en that I've lost weight :D :D...
...my neighbor will probably get tired of me soon since he is the one i am teamed up with and i asked him (though i don't totally agree) but many questions of how things worked around here and what software en technical stuff (nothing personal =P) ...
...lunch time was hard to pass... the bell boy came over to ask if i wanted anything and i didn't feel like interrogating him on what is available and what not so i told him i don't need anything...and so i remained empty stomach all day :(...the cappuccino did wonders warna pata nai kya hota ;).... so after lunch finally Adil thought i was miserable enough so he gave me a little work to do and i was all happy....:D...so i started working and at 5:30pm exact ;)...i left my chair...a benefit some say only the newbie can afford and that too for the few starting days...:)...lets see now what the future holds for me...looking forward for better experiences...and some lunch in the lunch time ;)...
...and oh yea how could i forget...the ladies wash room .lolzzz....its soooooooooooooooo pink...yuck....all mushy and stupid girlie really...and you have to really push the door to lock it...i thought i had locked my self in and will now face embarrassment on my very first day until i realized i was turning the nob in the wrong direction ...*blushes*...
...and yea not a single good looking soul so far ..ppppffffftttt...i always have bad luck when it comes to having a good looking company around ;)...

....my first day at work :)

A wanderer's Tale...!

after like ages today i went for a morning walk (yes about time i know =P)... i came back early though since i didn't have any music with me and i forgot to take my camera so it was boring...not to mention no good looking passer by ;)... why i am writing this is because today i wanted to share this cute experience...

...on my way back i saw this beautiful little stray puppy. about a year old not more...she was a pointer from one side.... she had these big brown eyes and an adorable face...patched brown and white she was a pretty sight :)...she didn't look at me first, although i was staring at her :D, but then just casually glanced my way and i smiled at her...lol she was like she looked away and then as if thought of something and then looked back at me and stared as if wondering *whats wrong with this human*...
...i stood there for a while and i just loved her questioning eyes.. and then she suddenly jumped in such an adorable playful manner ...made me smile again...she didn't approach me because she was probably scared .. i didn't encourage her, i was a little apprehensive too...
...i started to walk back then and she followed me till a little distance but then probably reality dawned on her that i am just another passer by who wont feed her or take her home to pamper and love her so she turned back and went to her marked spot...
...Gods' creations ... :) ...i am still smiling at those eyes ...

Dont know...!

Sometimes it scares me how blessed i am..i am scared of my Lords wrath..i am scared of how i dream and i wish and i am granted...i cant thank Him enough...i really cant...and not even the best Muslim not even close to it...yet he bestows me with such happiness...i am scared to even think otherwise...Life...Life as it comes...mayji says your life are chapters...close the one you've read and don't open it again if its not interesting or if it hurts, don't go back...there is a book ahead to read...don't jump..don't plan because what will happen you can never tell...
...my life is going to take a turn from today onwards inshAllah and i don't know what lies ahead...this very morning i asked mayji what will become of me...will i be able to carry on and she consoled me with the above words...and i am humbled by my Lords blessings...they who don't believe that a God exists and that He is not the only one who knows your heart and intentions...how wrong r u my friends...

Life...Fate...Time...!

Life.. Time...Fate..... i believe in all three...a rather strong belief... why..its hard to explain since i am bad at explaining things :)....
....i am always told i don't open up...i am often told i don't share my problems...i have an answer for that ...around me are people and examples that i can relate to my own life... incidents that occur that leave a mark on my mind... i treasure these marks for they help me lead a life i feel is better for me... i don't share my problems why because around me are people with problems of such gravity that i feel i am fooling my self... life has different meanings for everyone...for me its a constant learning phase... i love life...every second , every moment ...brings forth a new feeling, a new experience a new memory.. for some life is hard ..its constant pain..constant craving...constant loss... they don't find the reason for there existence ...they feel trapped in their own body...no way out... and above all the tears...they don't stop do they.... its those people that i have around me who make me feel my troubles are not troubles... and that my problems are not problems ...they make me realize that my life is soo much better ...that i am truly blessed...and so i find the strength to keep my pain inside and heal it from within...it works most of the time...at others i have my guardian angels :)... sometimes tears are such a huge help... i remember i wished once that i would stop crying forever (i don't know when)...i thought not crying is a sign of bravery...i realize now that i was wrong...i miss tears...i have been for sometime now...i don't remember since when (lack of water in my body i guess ;))...its ok to cry at times it helps...but the tears in the eyes of someone you love dearly...that feeling...thats called pain...i wish i could take away the tears from those who i hold close to my heart...i wish...
...but its fate i guess..you are tested for your faith and your patience...our Lord has mysterious ways dosent he :)...Love him for that...but it hurts to see some people so hurting..humans we are after all... fate brings upon them strange situations... surrounding them with questions that are complex... the answers though there but hidden...and He promised that no one would suffer more then he can withstand... but still weaklings as we are...we don't want to wait ..we feel we cant survive ..we don't have enough time.... time... my favorite excuse for everything... time ...it does heel...it does ...u only have to let it..life...fate...time...i believe in them...i do

The last blue , orange and yellow...a heavy heart....

three very distinct colors... three very similar sizes...three ...the number itself marks my identity...an odd number indeed... odd indeed...never equal, never common, never there to complete anything...three is odd.. yes indeed .....

i am sad...i hate to admit this but i am more and get more emotionally attached to people and places ...why i am like that...weakness...of the mind which is overshadowed by the heart that is more tender than id like to admit... no further justifications...

...a therapy withing itself...the colors all vibrant so bright....each one with a distinct flavor yet made with the same ingredient...the shape how miraculously the same ...the taste...bitter sweet yet at a point only mild...my M & M 's :)

When it stops raining....!

Time stopped, everything seized, and all hell broke loose. I opened my eyes to find only dust around me. It was blocking my lungs, I coughed really hard to get some air, I tried to breathe but it was difficult. I felt around me to get some support but it felt like I was surrounded by rocks. It was strange for when I slept I was in my comfortable bed and mother had tucked me in and had lulled me to sleep. But now, why were there rocks all around me, why so much dust, what happened?

I tried to move but a loud cry escaped my mouth…my foot, it was trapped under something heavy and when I tried to move it hurt so terribly. Unable to hold back tears I shouted for my mother. She didn’t reply. She didn’t come running in the room to hug me. And this dust, it wasn’t going away.

My little mind was troubled, it was looking for answers but there were none and mother, where was she? Where?

Lying there still, afraid to move for the pain was unbearable and crying for there seemed nothing else to do. The coughing had stopped but breathing was still hard.

Numb and scared, I, an eight year old was unaware of the traumas that had begun early in the morning. The earth quake which had brought down not only my house but the whole village had started a phase of life which I did not understand.

Shouting again and again for my mother to answer my cries I felt my strength receding. Who could have answered me for dead corpses did not speak but I was unaware of that.

Exhausted and weak I cried myself to sleep but was awakened after a short while by dampness around me. Too exhausted even to open my eyes I smelled the wet earth and inhaled deeply the fresh air that was coming from somewhere. It felt good for a while for the water was soothing. I opened my mouth to quench my thirst.

Outside someone shouted that he could see a child under the huge rocks. They called out my name but the rain was so loud that I couldn’t hear their voices clearly. Someone tried to move the rocks but the rain prolonged their work caused much problems. They decided to wait till the rain stops to start digging again. But God had other plans for me.

The rain mellowed and finally stopped, I felt weak yet strangely calm. I could hear people digging and moving rocks. They dug the whole day and finally at dusk they managed to create enough space to reach in and pull me out. A man reached in and touched me face. I opened my eyes and looked at him. There was fear in those eyes and stress marks on his face. He called my name again and told me that everything is ok and I will be alright now. He asked me to give him my hand so he could pull me up but I didn’t reply. I kept looking at him and then suddenly he started fading away.

I looked up and saw a bright light; I heard my mother’s voice. She told me to come to her for it was raining and it was beautiful outside. I reached for her outstretched hand and held it. Finally she had heard my cry and had come to relieve me of my unending pain. I closed my eyes once again, I told her that I am tired and want to sleep for a while. I told her I will come outside…When it stops raining.

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By no means to be judged critically...its a fiction but based on incidents of October 8, 2005...i am too lazy to proof read and correct grammar and punctuation so pardon me :)

Strange...!

Memories strange how they come at all the strange times in this strange world here I was reading a book and suddenly the thought flashed through my mind that im going to have to leave this city that ive come to like, these friends that are strange yet I would call them friends, this neighborhood although I don’t know many people yet seems mine, this house which I had started calling home, this very room which ive come to adore, all these things. I started to draw got my sketch book. I can’t make imaginary things. My imagination is weak not that I can’t imagine I can do that but what I imagine I can’t create. My hand does not support my mind I know what color what expression I want in my portrait yet I can’t draw it. How strange that my mind overflowing with pictures, ideas, concepts, theories. Yet none I can apply. I can’t show them to any one cannot explain when my own body does not acknowledge it.

I was drawing eyes I can’t get them expressing that particular expression that ones eyes express. They always express something I know. People say I have very expressive eyes. I like that I think I do have expressive eyes. Got them from my ma. U know its really dangerous to have expressive eyes at least I am scared of it cause I have this crazy notion that the things I don’t want anyone to know can be seen or read from my eyes. That really scares me cause there are many secrets in my life which are very sacred to me. Specially if I like someone like a latest crush or something I can not simply bare to look in his eyes I just cant. I feel that if I looked my eyes will betray me. Crazy thing I know. Its strange cant get it out of my system. So I was drawing theses silly eyes trying to improve my drawing then this deck played this old song by marc Anthony “my angels lullaby” what a lovely soothing song love it and don’t know from where I felt my self in my college . yah I was there on my last day there I remember so clearly it was evening, beautiful weather, it was my last practical. I was walking down in front of the labs and I looked up at the sky it was so blue. Stroked with patches of white and a tinge of black how beautiful how God can make such beautiful images with this superb thing ‘clouds’ there was a light breeze touching my face I felt so light yet a heavy feeling was prevailing over me, a feeling that I wont come here anymore the days I spent there . .. Superb days, one of the best of my life I felt life there, yes life in its true colors. I learned that music can make u realize the beauty of life. The friends u make they are the good friends not before and after college can u get such friendship no way believe me talking of personal experience. This friendship is strange these people u meet come from different places they don’t know u and they have never seen u before, never seen anyone like u , nothing yet u start talking over just nothing and end up know each other inside out . Strange how well a friend can know u. but u know that that can only happen if u allow. Well if a person doesn’t want anyone to know anything about him or her no one can I believe that. Yet some people think they know u sooooooo well yet they are the ones who know nothing at all.

And those few angels who just smile at u and shake there head in that meaning full way they know u , they know u well and they don’t even have to say it. Strange … God I keep wandering into other topics so I was remembering my time there in the college then I went into the ground area the inner portion of the campus. It was so clear I could practically feel the air on my face, smell of wet sand, hear the sound of the birds chirping so loudly or I could hear it . It was never so clear there was always so much noise of the students I never heard the birds so clearly or loudly. Maybe they were so loud that day maybe they were saying good bye u can never guess the ways of nature. that tree that big wide tree in the path to go to the café that’s where the birds were, u had to run under it to save from the fescues to fall on u. but it was a beautiful tree and that day it danced on the tunes of the air, melted with the melody of the wind and matched the mood of the sky. It was all so beautiful. It was all blue and grey and neat everything was neat and tidy although u never had that feeling on normal days in college but that day was special it was my last day there. It certainly was. I looked around it was very quite everything was very still at peace nothing was complaining. No hard feeling, no grudges, no promises nothing. Just quietness, stillness, emptiness, that’s all. It was beautiful I stayed there for sometime memorizing everything the classes where I spent my two years the seats on which I used to stand and shout ‘CLASS’ and my whole beautiful class would hush down to hear me I loved them then they wont listen to the president it was only me that respect they gave me its unforgettable. That window I loved, I used to jump in and out of it to get the teacher or to pass a message, to get chalk or even to bunk the class. It was my symbol everyone knew id come in through that window. In free time I used to sit in that window talking with friends keeping a lookout for maam and shouting on the first glimpse of the teacher for the class to get organized. Ahh good old days.

Those stairs our pet place. Every part of the campus reminded me of something. A tiny memory, some little incidences, unforgettable for the rest of my life. I left the college without turning to look again I never looked back. I had enough to last me lifetime. Every detail, every path, every stair, every window everything engraved on my mind forever. I never looked back I didn’t need to . Life changes so drastically. Strange ….

VIP

23 years…a girl…appendicitis…dies.

Life, a strange word…one moment its there the next it’s gone.

What a life…from the innocence of the childhood, unaware of the surroundings, nonchalant about what is happening around. To the toddler years, the exploration age, the time to realize what means what and how it feels like to touch.

Growing up to the years where you meet life, the time to interact and start your learning. A time to understand new expressions, to learn all the unnecessary words, and to make friends. For some an unconditional time for others not so interesting while for others, a nightmare.

Time flies by, the innocence matures into adulthood, life has a meaning, and the world forms a definition.

So many years fly by, so many memories formed and numerous dreams, and how it ends???

Zil-e-Huma, 23, a student of Mass Communication, KU complained a pain in the stomach and was taken to the hospital. An urgent transfer to the Jinnah Post Graduate Medical Center was advised for appendicitis treatment. She was rushed in a cab to the destination which apparently promised a miracle to her distressed parents and they did reach only a little delayed in the traffic jam.

‘Surgery could have saved her life if only she could have been brought a little earlier’. Zil-e-Huma reached the hospital only to breathe her last.

‘Just a little earlier’… a few seconds and all those years, all those precious stages of growing up, all those dreams of a young soul… lost and what was left behind, memories just memories and nothing else.

What of those parents who brought her into this world, nourished her and loved her. Big dreams, a lot of happiness and unconditional love, this is all they thought for a daughter whom they lost because a VIP had to go to an exhibition.

Materialistic world, a term we hear very often, an example of which you just read… a life lost for the convenience of a VIP , a human very much capable of having a heart, but had to fulfill a professional commitment.

Neither is this the first time nor it the only VIP, so my words will be read and discarded, but I will write for I am afraid my heart is still beating and I know how my parents would feel to lose me…

A wishful thinking that any action would be taken and some changes would be brought…just a wishful thinking by human heart.

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Sadly its a true incident and many more have occurred in the present government...

Question...s

can i stand on the top of a cliff and breathe the undeterred wind...
can i be swept away by it to the people i want to meet...
can i jump into the ocean and go beneath...
can i let the water cleanse me of my fears...
can i reach for the shore and touch the earth...
can i let it engulf me to invisibility...
can i reach to higher heights or can i bend below..can i ..can i dream............ ? ................



..............i am not looking for answers...i like keeping questions.............

like duh!!!

i hate hypocrites...i didn't know the exact definition of a hypocrite..(i don't know the literary definition abhe tak..like who cares)...until today...i had doubts but today it has been confirmed...i hate hypocrites...they are people who would at one time act all nice en sweet and kinda humorous but as soon as something goes wrong it all your fault...all yours and they'd nail u with all the accusations they can with all the vocab they can find...uff i hate hypocrites...hate em....cont people understand that its not always my fault when something goes wrong...like duhh...i am angry....like u have to make sure to blame me for every single bit of it....and the client....ppppffftttt...hello i hate people who think signing a darn check makes them God....like duh....i am angry

An Observer's Tale...

So here goes...i had the pleasure of spending about 6 hours straight in a cardiac hospital...my mum had this major test...shes fine (Allhumdullilah) so i can talk about it now :)...so in the time i wasn't allowed to be with her, i just sat in the waiting area and stared at passer by, and boy was that fun or what :D...i am amazed how everyone is soo different from everyone else...its always a pleasure to stare at people ...though some of them might not like it but hey who cares !...and now to the technical part..a few things that i noticed in all that time that I'd like to share

1..if someones cell phone in a crowded waiting hall rings , at least 2% of the people would instantly take out their cell en check it or just feel it in their pocket or hand or start using it in any way...HA! that was a treat..

2..98% of the women sitting in the waiting area had taken there shoes/sandals/slippers off :D...and as compared to them only about 1% of the men had the shoes off...well thats maybe because most of em wore boats or lace shoes ..aur kon itnae jatan karae utara phir pehne nai ;)...

3... and third GIRLS ITS A GOOD THING WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CARRY WEAPONS AND USE THEM COMMONLY...hehehe..i would have killed at least 4 men in that area...i mean alright so i too stare at people but not when they know i am looking and never after they notice me noticing them...matlab haad hoti hai freaks really, they just sit there and stare at u like WHAATTTT!!!!..and not that any drop dead gorgeous guy but the other lot...seeshhh...

over all it was a good experience..enjoyed it thoroughly

................................Posted on Feb 7th on my space...thought id shift it here..my space is crap......................

The upgraded mode to travel...!

Had the privilege of getting on and off a lift of a 7 story building for about 4 times today and as always i was intrigued by the experience and people. So here are the things i observed:

- about 90% of the people while entering the lift try not to step on the door sliding bars at the bottom.

- Considering the place where i was (a corporate building) 95% of the people took a second to decide whether to enter the lift or not seeing only one female in it (that would be me =P)..

- once entered two people or more who knew each other and were conversing before entering the lift would stop talking or hush there voice even though they were discussing an upcoming class. =) (good manners i suppose)

- 99.9% people in a lift would prefer to look down till the lift stops and the doors open (im probably the 1% who wanted to notice these things ;)).

- Lifts without mirrors are soooo BORING ;)

- 90% females prefer to enter a lift only if there is a female already in the group.

- i kept looking at peoples' shoes since i was looking down at times ....hehehehe...i made at least two of them conscious enough to look at there shoes and notice if they were clean ;)

----in all lifts are nauseating and i would have preferred the stairs anytime if only they weren't that dirty :S...

Dont...just dont!

if u cant hide anything and still want to...do something about it ...run away or shout it out loud...don't stand there trying to be ignorant...u look like a fool...u think people don't notice but they do...not mentioning it is another issue...

expressing is a strong trait not every one possesses and expressing in the right manner at the right time is a rare thing in only a few people...hiding expressions requires strength both physical and mental ...its not an easy job not easy.....continued...

Re-Drawing... sigh!

I HATE TO REDRAW ANY DESIGN......HATE IT ....HATE IT

i can draw hundreds of samples from scratch but please don't ask me to redraw someone else's work...be it a logo or a banner or poster or anything....i just hate it....i think its the hardest job to do...i don't know i fail myself in working on someone else's work...its so nerve wrecking for me that i cant even explain...why can't people complete there work or at least provide with the source files when they leave or anything.and why why cant clients draw on a high res when they are drawing in the first place....meri shamat :P...

it took me a whole ...and i mean a complete day to redraw a banner...i know only how i have completed it...and because of it i got scolded from my big boss...so thats adds to my hatred for redrawing anything....i should write an article on it...:P..ya sure...i have all the time in the world to do that ;)...i am so dead...my average sleep time has become 3 hours at night...and all day i am sitting looking at this screen...my eyes are shrinking my face even faster and the speed with which the circumference of the lower half is increasing..O_0...don't ask...

...hence in short...I HATE TO REDRAW...HATE IT ....HATE IT

Throwing dreams

Anaïs Nin, (1903-1977) Throw your dreams into space like a kite and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country......

How do you throw your dreams and that to into space???? ...a very unnatural statement or is it that i didn't understand :P...what it would bring back, is what i can agree with ...every incident in our life, brings back something...and thats nothing new... its how life is ..a memory every second...