The last blue , orange and yellow...a heavy heart....

three very distinct colors... three very similar sizes...three ...the number itself marks my identity...an odd number indeed... odd indeed...never equal, never common, never there to complete anything...three is odd.. yes indeed .....

i am sad...i hate to admit this but i am more and get more emotionally attached to people and places ...why i am like that...weakness...of the mind which is overshadowed by the heart that is more tender than id like to admit... no further justifications...

...a therapy withing itself...the colors all vibrant so bright....each one with a distinct flavor yet made with the same ingredient...the shape how miraculously the same ...the taste...bitter sweet yet at a point only mild...my M & M 's :)

When it stops raining....!

Time stopped, everything seized, and all hell broke loose. I opened my eyes to find only dust around me. It was blocking my lungs, I coughed really hard to get some air, I tried to breathe but it was difficult. I felt around me to get some support but it felt like I was surrounded by rocks. It was strange for when I slept I was in my comfortable bed and mother had tucked me in and had lulled me to sleep. But now, why were there rocks all around me, why so much dust, what happened?

I tried to move but a loud cry escaped my mouth…my foot, it was trapped under something heavy and when I tried to move it hurt so terribly. Unable to hold back tears I shouted for my mother. She didn’t reply. She didn’t come running in the room to hug me. And this dust, it wasn’t going away.

My little mind was troubled, it was looking for answers but there were none and mother, where was she? Where?

Lying there still, afraid to move for the pain was unbearable and crying for there seemed nothing else to do. The coughing had stopped but breathing was still hard.

Numb and scared, I, an eight year old was unaware of the traumas that had begun early in the morning. The earth quake which had brought down not only my house but the whole village had started a phase of life which I did not understand.

Shouting again and again for my mother to answer my cries I felt my strength receding. Who could have answered me for dead corpses did not speak but I was unaware of that.

Exhausted and weak I cried myself to sleep but was awakened after a short while by dampness around me. Too exhausted even to open my eyes I smelled the wet earth and inhaled deeply the fresh air that was coming from somewhere. It felt good for a while for the water was soothing. I opened my mouth to quench my thirst.

Outside someone shouted that he could see a child under the huge rocks. They called out my name but the rain was so loud that I couldn’t hear their voices clearly. Someone tried to move the rocks but the rain prolonged their work caused much problems. They decided to wait till the rain stops to start digging again. But God had other plans for me.

The rain mellowed and finally stopped, I felt weak yet strangely calm. I could hear people digging and moving rocks. They dug the whole day and finally at dusk they managed to create enough space to reach in and pull me out. A man reached in and touched me face. I opened my eyes and looked at him. There was fear in those eyes and stress marks on his face. He called my name again and told me that everything is ok and I will be alright now. He asked me to give him my hand so he could pull me up but I didn’t reply. I kept looking at him and then suddenly he started fading away.

I looked up and saw a bright light; I heard my mother’s voice. She told me to come to her for it was raining and it was beautiful outside. I reached for her outstretched hand and held it. Finally she had heard my cry and had come to relieve me of my unending pain. I closed my eyes once again, I told her that I am tired and want to sleep for a while. I told her I will come outside…When it stops raining.

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By no means to be judged critically...its a fiction but based on incidents of October 8, 2005...i am too lazy to proof read and correct grammar and punctuation so pardon me :)

Strange...!

Memories strange how they come at all the strange times in this strange world here I was reading a book and suddenly the thought flashed through my mind that im going to have to leave this city that ive come to like, these friends that are strange yet I would call them friends, this neighborhood although I don’t know many people yet seems mine, this house which I had started calling home, this very room which ive come to adore, all these things. I started to draw got my sketch book. I can’t make imaginary things. My imagination is weak not that I can’t imagine I can do that but what I imagine I can’t create. My hand does not support my mind I know what color what expression I want in my portrait yet I can’t draw it. How strange that my mind overflowing with pictures, ideas, concepts, theories. Yet none I can apply. I can’t show them to any one cannot explain when my own body does not acknowledge it.

I was drawing eyes I can’t get them expressing that particular expression that ones eyes express. They always express something I know. People say I have very expressive eyes. I like that I think I do have expressive eyes. Got them from my ma. U know its really dangerous to have expressive eyes at least I am scared of it cause I have this crazy notion that the things I don’t want anyone to know can be seen or read from my eyes. That really scares me cause there are many secrets in my life which are very sacred to me. Specially if I like someone like a latest crush or something I can not simply bare to look in his eyes I just cant. I feel that if I looked my eyes will betray me. Crazy thing I know. Its strange cant get it out of my system. So I was drawing theses silly eyes trying to improve my drawing then this deck played this old song by marc Anthony “my angels lullaby” what a lovely soothing song love it and don’t know from where I felt my self in my college . yah I was there on my last day there I remember so clearly it was evening, beautiful weather, it was my last practical. I was walking down in front of the labs and I looked up at the sky it was so blue. Stroked with patches of white and a tinge of black how beautiful how God can make such beautiful images with this superb thing ‘clouds’ there was a light breeze touching my face I felt so light yet a heavy feeling was prevailing over me, a feeling that I wont come here anymore the days I spent there . .. Superb days, one of the best of my life I felt life there, yes life in its true colors. I learned that music can make u realize the beauty of life. The friends u make they are the good friends not before and after college can u get such friendship no way believe me talking of personal experience. This friendship is strange these people u meet come from different places they don’t know u and they have never seen u before, never seen anyone like u , nothing yet u start talking over just nothing and end up know each other inside out . Strange how well a friend can know u. but u know that that can only happen if u allow. Well if a person doesn’t want anyone to know anything about him or her no one can I believe that. Yet some people think they know u sooooooo well yet they are the ones who know nothing at all.

And those few angels who just smile at u and shake there head in that meaning full way they know u , they know u well and they don’t even have to say it. Strange … God I keep wandering into other topics so I was remembering my time there in the college then I went into the ground area the inner portion of the campus. It was so clear I could practically feel the air on my face, smell of wet sand, hear the sound of the birds chirping so loudly or I could hear it . It was never so clear there was always so much noise of the students I never heard the birds so clearly or loudly. Maybe they were so loud that day maybe they were saying good bye u can never guess the ways of nature. that tree that big wide tree in the path to go to the café that’s where the birds were, u had to run under it to save from the fescues to fall on u. but it was a beautiful tree and that day it danced on the tunes of the air, melted with the melody of the wind and matched the mood of the sky. It was all so beautiful. It was all blue and grey and neat everything was neat and tidy although u never had that feeling on normal days in college but that day was special it was my last day there. It certainly was. I looked around it was very quite everything was very still at peace nothing was complaining. No hard feeling, no grudges, no promises nothing. Just quietness, stillness, emptiness, that’s all. It was beautiful I stayed there for sometime memorizing everything the classes where I spent my two years the seats on which I used to stand and shout ‘CLASS’ and my whole beautiful class would hush down to hear me I loved them then they wont listen to the president it was only me that respect they gave me its unforgettable. That window I loved, I used to jump in and out of it to get the teacher or to pass a message, to get chalk or even to bunk the class. It was my symbol everyone knew id come in through that window. In free time I used to sit in that window talking with friends keeping a lookout for maam and shouting on the first glimpse of the teacher for the class to get organized. Ahh good old days.

Those stairs our pet place. Every part of the campus reminded me of something. A tiny memory, some little incidences, unforgettable for the rest of my life. I left the college without turning to look again I never looked back. I had enough to last me lifetime. Every detail, every path, every stair, every window everything engraved on my mind forever. I never looked back I didn’t need to . Life changes so drastically. Strange ….

VIP

23 years…a girl…appendicitis…dies.

Life, a strange word…one moment its there the next it’s gone.

What a life…from the innocence of the childhood, unaware of the surroundings, nonchalant about what is happening around. To the toddler years, the exploration age, the time to realize what means what and how it feels like to touch.

Growing up to the years where you meet life, the time to interact and start your learning. A time to understand new expressions, to learn all the unnecessary words, and to make friends. For some an unconditional time for others not so interesting while for others, a nightmare.

Time flies by, the innocence matures into adulthood, life has a meaning, and the world forms a definition.

So many years fly by, so many memories formed and numerous dreams, and how it ends???

Zil-e-Huma, 23, a student of Mass Communication, KU complained a pain in the stomach and was taken to the hospital. An urgent transfer to the Jinnah Post Graduate Medical Center was advised for appendicitis treatment. She was rushed in a cab to the destination which apparently promised a miracle to her distressed parents and they did reach only a little delayed in the traffic jam.

‘Surgery could have saved her life if only she could have been brought a little earlier’. Zil-e-Huma reached the hospital only to breathe her last.

‘Just a little earlier’… a few seconds and all those years, all those precious stages of growing up, all those dreams of a young soul… lost and what was left behind, memories just memories and nothing else.

What of those parents who brought her into this world, nourished her and loved her. Big dreams, a lot of happiness and unconditional love, this is all they thought for a daughter whom they lost because a VIP had to go to an exhibition.

Materialistic world, a term we hear very often, an example of which you just read… a life lost for the convenience of a VIP , a human very much capable of having a heart, but had to fulfill a professional commitment.

Neither is this the first time nor it the only VIP, so my words will be read and discarded, but I will write for I am afraid my heart is still beating and I know how my parents would feel to lose me…

A wishful thinking that any action would be taken and some changes would be brought…just a wishful thinking by human heart.

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Sadly its a true incident and many more have occurred in the present government...

Question...s

can i stand on the top of a cliff and breathe the undeterred wind...
can i be swept away by it to the people i want to meet...
can i jump into the ocean and go beneath...
can i let the water cleanse me of my fears...
can i reach for the shore and touch the earth...
can i let it engulf me to invisibility...
can i reach to higher heights or can i bend below..can i ..can i dream............ ? ................



..............i am not looking for answers...i like keeping questions.............

like duh!!!

i hate hypocrites...i didn't know the exact definition of a hypocrite..(i don't know the literary definition abhe tak..like who cares)...until today...i had doubts but today it has been confirmed...i hate hypocrites...they are people who would at one time act all nice en sweet and kinda humorous but as soon as something goes wrong it all your fault...all yours and they'd nail u with all the accusations they can with all the vocab they can find...uff i hate hypocrites...hate em....cont people understand that its not always my fault when something goes wrong...like duhh...i am angry....like u have to make sure to blame me for every single bit of it....and the client....ppppffftttt...hello i hate people who think signing a darn check makes them God....like duh....i am angry

An Observer's Tale...

So here goes...i had the pleasure of spending about 6 hours straight in a cardiac hospital...my mum had this major test...shes fine (Allhumdullilah) so i can talk about it now :)...so in the time i wasn't allowed to be with her, i just sat in the waiting area and stared at passer by, and boy was that fun or what :D...i am amazed how everyone is soo different from everyone else...its always a pleasure to stare at people ...though some of them might not like it but hey who cares !...and now to the technical part..a few things that i noticed in all that time that I'd like to share

1..if someones cell phone in a crowded waiting hall rings , at least 2% of the people would instantly take out their cell en check it or just feel it in their pocket or hand or start using it in any way...HA! that was a treat..

2..98% of the women sitting in the waiting area had taken there shoes/sandals/slippers off :D...and as compared to them only about 1% of the men had the shoes off...well thats maybe because most of em wore boats or lace shoes ..aur kon itnae jatan karae utara phir pehne nai ;)...

3... and third GIRLS ITS A GOOD THING WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CARRY WEAPONS AND USE THEM COMMONLY...hehehe..i would have killed at least 4 men in that area...i mean alright so i too stare at people but not when they know i am looking and never after they notice me noticing them...matlab haad hoti hai freaks really, they just sit there and stare at u like WHAATTTT!!!!..and not that any drop dead gorgeous guy but the other lot...seeshhh...

over all it was a good experience..enjoyed it thoroughly

................................Posted on Feb 7th on my space...thought id shift it here..my space is crap......................