The daughter that i am...!

i am not a good daughter, i just haven't caused my parents any trouble...

i have never given them any happiness, its just that their worries do not revolve around me...

i haven't given them the respect they deserve, i just am not disrespectful...

i don't strive hard enough, my life is withering away within these thoughts...i wish too much but hope for none... i don't dream yet the reality keeps me going...
...i feel like running away (yes, again) but the paths are lost... there is only this narrow little path and so i keep walking on that...i cant see where it is leading me, i don't really care, i am just walking...

...i condemn 'me' of the behavior that i present myself with... yet i pretend that there isn't anything wrong

...i look for the reasons...i search myself time and again... but i am hollow... so empty, completely devoid of the factors needed to make my parents' life better... so i just go on living the way i already do...

this is me, this is yet another face of myself... this is the daughter that i am to two people who have so extravagantly loved me that it makes me guilty. People who smile when they see me smiling and who's eyes crowd with worry when i am in one of my stupid moods... the souls who let me live my life... give me the right to make my own decisions trying their best to hide their exact feelings about the matter until after i have decided...

Parenthood...its a damn difficult job, scares the hell out of me at least...and i think not everyone is strong enough to carry this duty... we humans are flawed... and be it any position, criticism is always there, which makes their life more difficult though challenging. If the darn child isn't intelligent, 'the parents didn't pay attention'... if the child is not successful or doing well in studies, 'parents negligence' ...in particular cases, i can agree but HELLLOOO its not always the parents fault you know... we being the supreme beings are born with a brain, and we don't really need any lessons in how to use it...parents can make mistakes too, it should not instigate the blame game...that leads no one anywhere...why don't people realize that...wasting time accusing, grieving, fighting...dude life is too short for all this ...maybe there should be a book titled 'how to use brain affectively for idiots' ...

hats off to all those parents who tolerate children like my siblings and I... its not an easy job ...nope sir, its not easy... !

my Hero's Lost...!

What rubbish ....i hate it when people leave... specially people whom i have developed some affection for...i dont like that... and now that the people who i not only like but adore have started to leave, a sudden rush of sadness engulfs me... how certain things are just not within our control... i know its some grand plan of my Lord... but Dear God, such mysteries ...

my mates at the office... not my team mates but the ones who are my hero's, are planning to resign... all of them..all 4 of them... sigh... they have their reasons... and how the management is treating them, that is exactly what they should do... i wont stop them... but i am so sad inside... this place would be so empty when they leave...

...life and its changes... they are such lovely spirits, each in their own special way...i ll write about them separately someday... i'd like that ... but the most precious thing about them is the way they treat me... yes back to me myself (i am lame..its always about me in the end!)... these guys made me a better person... they made this world a better place for me... they gave me the confidence to face this world with my shortcomings... though they don't know about that and they didn't do anything deliberately, or anything that they boast about...they are just like that... but i know how it helped me be what i am today... so yeah ill miss them too darn much... oh well...!

A little confused...me and my mind here ...!

Pardon me...but i am still trying to figure out this whole blogger dude... you see i still havent seen the main page of blogger...when ever i i click on the main page i get the dashboard...so it can be me and my system somehow at fault coz why in the world would blogger have no flashy, cozy main page...

...second...i cant delete the 'strangertales' page... might i remind you that my active pages name is 'A Strangers tales' ....so umm what to do...i went through the FAQ's but couldn't find anything futile... oh well... ill go on writing... something with come up eventually ...i think ..!

Now...!

So i have decided... i have made my decision... my heart won over my brain (loser)... i have chosen to live the happy days, till they last... i am not really sorry on my decision...yes i needed the money , yes i need to run away from a storm that i feel is coming way too quickly... but I've made my decision and its too late to revert back... i'd like to think it that way...

... now that i am through, now that i have chosen the path, a strange feeling is lurking somewhere at the back... i hate intuitions, i just don't like the feelings i get of something bad that might occur... why i don't get the feeling of something good happening is beyond me...

...Now i have nothing to look forward to... i have given the go to my mum to seal my fate to whom ever she wishes and when ever she wants... that is what she wanted and that is what she wanted me to say...so i said it...i want to run away though... i want to live my life again, want to feel the independence, enjoy the time that will always be mine...forever... i want to re-live the time again... that time i spent in pindi all by myself... the 2 years i lived without my family... its not that i am running away from my duties... i just want to feel that free again... is this too much to ask...

...i feel happy...for now yes...i think i have made the right decision, Allhumdullillah.. kal kis nae dekhe hae yaar... lets enjoy while today lasts ...shall we...!

Dilemma ....!

Things i want and the things i wish i had…a list of options, well two exactly are before me but I cant decide. The options are very clear, both present very solid reasons but it’s not just that… the things have gotten a little out of hand… the fight now is between the heart and mind… my friggin’ heart and mind… and as I have posted before both are jerks of a higher degree so its hard to settle arguments between them… what I really need to do right now as in RIGHT now is to go out and jog ….run till my heart is all pumping wildly and my brain blocks out other stupid thoughts and helps my heart function properly… yes that’s exactly what I need… damn the fact that its too late for me to go out alone …damn…. So here I am stuck between this little decision on which my future is based… it’s a little decision, as little as I am (people around me try to convince me about me being short height- ed.. sigh!) …but it’s a decision nonetheless…

…here’s the deal…should I live my life being happy and claiming to be loving it with no guarantee of what my tomorrow will be (including the happiness bit), or should I sacrifice my happiness (well I wont be completely miserable, but not as happy yes), and plan my future and according to it… ?...

if you ask me…as in the Me me …I’d go with live the happier life mate… “kal kis nae dekhe hae” …enjoy while it still lasts… but this terrible brain of mine…(yes you with 38% intelligence ONLY…ppppfffttt) states that it doesn’t look like I am dying any soon, and that I might see a few more sunsets (I have not seen a sunrise in years) …so I should concentrate on my ambitious plans… go ahead take the deserted path and start walking (its about time…!) …what rubbish… I can’t say anyone of them is wrong… if you ask Me me…oh I know…shut up Mahwash…

Change my identity... can I...!

I want to be a Chinese…be a Chinese citizen… why?... simple… I want to be a part of the nation that is growing heaps and bounds, a nation that has the fastest growing economy… a place where a common villager knows that there are ways to prosper excel beyond their cottages… where a simple house wife dreams and plans to have a business of her own and knows that it is possible because her government has started such programs. She is confident that it is possible…I want to own Chinese history that the world knows… be a part of the legacy that is renowned and is told as if its the richest story to be told… I want to be a part of all that… am I wrong!

I know… and yet I wish … what is it that China has and my own country fails to offer…my Pakistan …ill tell you what… my country has one the most richest characters… its one place where you will find lands as dry as the mind of my creative director… challenging the lushness of lands covered in such abundant beauty and minerals that makes you live all over again…

…Life’s different in my country… as I grew up I was taught to keep myself and my home clean but was always told to throw the garbage outside the car on the road… I was familiarized with red, green and yellow yet it was ok to drive on when the traffic police wasn’t on duty… Life’s different in my land… patriotism was the name of the game on which we got this doggy shape but you’re the hero of the family and a source of inspiration if you’ve got a job abroad or even made it to the shore of the foreign land.

My land is exceptional…rich, rich cultures, absolutely remarkable and distinct in their own special ways… every city, every province, every sect, behaves in a way that has compelled me to think that its only the boundaries that are keeping my nation together … the difference is always clear…

…Oh and yes of course the language…. We are proud of having a beautiful language ‘Urdu’; a sweet, soft lingo binding the huge gap of communication in only four small provinces … but somehow English has become THE language of the educated…its ok if your kid fails in Urdu or cant read two lines in a row from an Urdu newspaper but its BLASPHEMY is they cant converse in a defined English accent dude…

ahh my sweet country, it welcomes everyone.. all you need is to have a different colored passport and you’ll see our fair teeth (well not everyone’s of course) … but that’s good because it’s a huge boost to our economy, an increase in the privatization will lead my country to prosperity… so what if the culture is vanishing, traditions???... is that even a word now… westernization is only making the youth loose track of who they really are, but who cares…

yeah its all about caring for each other that keeps relationships, its all about thinking that can make anyone go forward and beyond and its only about realizing the ever so visible and obvious facts that our nation is going towards the wrong path… the differences in cultures can be appreciated but those in the hearts, cracks the strong wall of a nation that has stories of brotherhood to last a life time… the dissimilarity in languages is richness, but that in living and behaving of citizens has caused barbed wires to go up…

Life’s not a big deal you know… living alone is so easy… it’s the test of going on together that counts… my nation is the land of opportunities and I believe in it… for years it has seen hardships, has bore the burden of corruption and destruction, yet it remains ..its still here and it will remain inshAllah…

… I want my country to have amazing leaders, I want the people to have the courage that what they dream is possible and not just a laughing stock for the already successful … I want Urdu to be the language everyone is proud of… I my traditions and culture to be known by the world… I wish for all this and so much more …if only … !

Anonymous...!

A person who teaches your mind is called a teacher… what do you call a person who teaches you much beyond that…

Sir Nisar Mirza, a human being beautiful to the core of his heart and soul. Writing about him I feel lost of words, exactly the way my country has lost an asset, an icon in the field of photography and videography. I know many who read this have never heard of his name, what a pity that a person recognized internationally as being one of the best videographer and photographer of Pakistan died quietly on November 24, 2005 without any recognition. A part of Pakistan Television for decades, he not once was appreciated by the authorities as was his rightful due.

Sir Nisar had the eyes of an observer who captured images as though each one had a story that it whispered. He brought unspoken colors in his black and white photography and captured the scenes in a way that was every director’s dream.

His love for the camera was well known within those of us who proudly call themselves his students. He taught us what needed to be learned and in a manner that we will always remember for as long as our memories will abide. His ‘sardar ji’ jokes will always be recalled and the way he used to laugh with his students would always be cherished, for there are very few who have the persona of life within themselves and what to speak of a man who was dignity and integrity complete, within those deep brown eyes.

Although the world and specially my country failed to recognize what they had, we the students of Fatima Jinnah Women University, Rawalpindi are among those who had this honor of knowing a man who was the mere definition of self made and a complete description of a teacher not to mention a rightfully decent human being. His relation to God is known only to him, but his relation to the Gods creations was more than evident in his magnificent work. He was proud of what he had created and how right he was in being so, for every image, every scene spoke of experience, of his dexterity and of his delightful nature. Never was he seen without a smile and never was he around without a handful of his well wishers.

We lost what we can never gain. We lost what should have been found a long time ago. All that we are left with are memories and all that is left behind is his life’s achievements. If only someone would recognize what loss has occurred, if only someone would save many others from suffering the same fate.

I wish to remain anonymous for two reasons. One because those who knew him knew that I was never known to him, and those who know me do not know what regard I held for this magnificent human who has departed. And second, all that I have written is I am sure a cry from many hearts, especially his students.

May Allah bless his soul and may he spend his eternal life in the heavens that have been promised.

A name that will always be remembered by those who met him even once, a name that has left a mark on all those he ever taught, a name that is all there is left… Sir Nisar Mirza.

-------------An article i wrote for my teacher...a person who will be remembered forever...