sigh!!!

words are suffocating me... i need to write so much that i don't know where to begin... i want to write... i crave the privacy to write.... i feel this strong urge to get things out of my mind and on canvas...

The daughter that i am...!

i am not a good daughter, i just haven't caused my parents any trouble...

i have never given them any happiness, its just that their worries do not revolve around me...

i haven't given them the respect they deserve, i just am not disrespectful...

i don't strive hard enough, my life is withering away within these thoughts...i wish too much but hope for none... i don't dream yet the reality keeps me going...
...i feel like running away (yes, again) but the paths are lost... there is only this narrow little path and so i keep walking on that...i cant see where it is leading me, i don't really care, i am just walking...

...i condemn 'me' of the behavior that i present myself with... yet i pretend that there isn't anything wrong

...i look for the reasons...i search myself time and again... but i am hollow... so empty, completely devoid of the factors needed to make my parents' life better... so i just go on living the way i already do...

this is me, this is yet another face of myself... this is the daughter that i am to two people who have so extravagantly loved me that it makes me guilty. People who smile when they see me smiling and who's eyes crowd with worry when i am in one of my stupid moods... the souls who let me live my life... give me the right to make my own decisions trying their best to hide their exact feelings about the matter until after i have decided...

Parenthood...its a damn difficult job, scares the hell out of me at least...and i think not everyone is strong enough to carry this duty... we humans are flawed... and be it any position, criticism is always there, which makes their life more difficult though challenging. If the darn child isn't intelligent, 'the parents didn't pay attention'... if the child is not successful or doing well in studies, 'parents negligence' ...in particular cases, i can agree but HELLLOOO its not always the parents fault you know... we being the supreme beings are born with a brain, and we don't really need any lessons in how to use it...parents can make mistakes too, it should not instigate the blame game...that leads no one anywhere...why don't people realize that...wasting time accusing, grieving, fighting...dude life is too short for all this ...maybe there should be a book titled 'how to use brain affectively for idiots' ...

hats off to all those parents who tolerate children like my siblings and I... its not an easy job ...nope sir, its not easy... !

my Hero's Lost...!

What rubbish ....i hate it when people leave... specially people whom i have developed some affection for...i dont like that... and now that the people who i not only like but adore have started to leave, a sudden rush of sadness engulfs me... how certain things are just not within our control... i know its some grand plan of my Lord... but Dear God, such mysteries ...

my mates at the office... not my team mates but the ones who are my hero's, are planning to resign... all of them..all 4 of them... sigh... they have their reasons... and how the management is treating them, that is exactly what they should do... i wont stop them... but i am so sad inside... this place would be so empty when they leave...

...life and its changes... they are such lovely spirits, each in their own special way...i ll write about them separately someday... i'd like that ... but the most precious thing about them is the way they treat me... yes back to me myself (i am lame..its always about me in the end!)... these guys made me a better person... they made this world a better place for me... they gave me the confidence to face this world with my shortcomings... though they don't know about that and they didn't do anything deliberately, or anything that they boast about...they are just like that... but i know how it helped me be what i am today... so yeah ill miss them too darn much... oh well...!