the fear unleashed

new things are coming up... a new fear just planted its roots ...today, right now... i can feel the chill deep inside... i heard the hidden words... i saw the truth behind the eyes... i need to do something or i need to leave my ground... for now they have options and they have decided to turn their eyes... they no longer see my pain, they refuse to see me dying inside...

its a battle against my own... and i am torn between myself ... I have lost the sense of right and wrong.. i am now walking on the edges... so close near the end that even a gentle breeze if comes my way can make me fall... I am hanging on to the strong rope of faith but my hands are weak and i dont know how long can i hold on...

i am in love ... :)

i am in love... this comes from a person who didnt believe in falling in love, who could not digest the fact that two people could get addicted to each other so much so that their whole lives twisted around each other... a person who never wanted to know what a lovers touch meant... sigh... i am in love.. i want to scream this to the whole world... i cant believe im in love... i still feel as if this is a dream and that i will soon wake up to the harsh reality of this world...the deep stir that his glance can arouse... the butterflies in my stomach when he smiles... the weakness in my knees when he touches and the racing of heartbeat when he confesses his love... sigh!! this is love... or is it???... i am in love ...and i am happy about it... they say love is blind..Ive read it a gazillion times, now i believe it. now for the first time i know what many facts really mean... the term 'i luv u' ..it was overrated in my opinion... now it dosent even express the luv that i truly feel... i almost whisper these words with every breath... yet they don't seem enough... Ive not lost my head completely, i wont jump off cliffs or kill anyone or myself and neither would i let him do that.. par how it seems that the future without him will be empty...i know the future with him aint all diamonds en clouds but i know it will have some moments i could spend my lifetime on... i want to take the risk..i want to fly... i want to dream so much more and i dont want to cry...
...my fairy tale continues..i still crave for his eyes... his voice soothes me down.. and his touch makes me high... i wish to be there for him when ever he needs me...i wish to become his strength... i wish him so much luv which will last till eternity... his smile is what i desire.. his happiness is all i require... i love him.. and i am so in love

and thy eyes speak more...!

insecurities of my mind... why are eyes so expressive... why do they speak what we dont want to say...

Change is good.... ?

There was a time when we were about only 25 people and everyone knew what every one else was doing... it was like a big family.. we shared jokes, had meals together, we were so happy... and then we moved...

... As if just a new place wasn't enough, new people joined, some weird some weirder ...sigh!!
...change is good.. i am not REALLY complaining... not really, but yes i am a little ticked off..and there is not one reason i can point.. i have experienced politics like never before... leg pulling was only a term i had read en heard of... and now i know... people who are insecure of themselves are the ones who try to remove those better then themselves... its stupud and its a highly immature act... specially coming from some one on a higher designation.. i mean hellooo.. get a life... sigh!!!

so the new beez... girrrrrrlls.. :)... i am so not used to having more girls around me.. but that's what it is now... it has become too crowded... the girls are oh so girls... the still haven't realized we are professionals kinda kinda girls... umm or maybe i was too serious and freaked out when i joined.

khair the worst induction in our team is this guy now unofficially called 'chuara'...and uff he is a jerk... yup that's what he is.. and his biggest trait or feature you can say is staring at females ..wallahh!
en to top that when confronted by a CS guy (posing to be the daddy o)..he stated tha the dosent stare en is just observant, followed by that he has this secret power through which he can read faces.. i wonder why this special power only works on female... any guesses???

well he was highly offended by of this accusation en has talked to like half the office about it..that includes me too ... en he thought i would take his side en was sorta taken aback when i told him that i noticed him staring ... en honestly i have tried to get along with him or at least get him in the loop of what i am doing par..u know some people who start getting on your head if u give them this tinee winee liberty.. well he's that breed.. so we are done -khalaas-... he's on my ignore list... en im glad i wont be working with him in future coz ive been shifted to neslte team :D (i.e. i design for nestle products now )... that's a good change for my career... so i am hoping for the best... lets see!

its getting dark.. someone please hit the light...!

In the light of the day i seek faces... i look for familiar eyes.... i yearn for the comforting smiles...

…its dark… its just dark…

--

Love will find a way… I know

The words that haunt my mind… those that are crumbling my personality…. Shattering my ego.. only my faith remains… weekend but I still stand… and I will remain standing…

… My fear, my biggest fear… I am ruining a human …I am playing with a beating heart… I am betraying someone’s feelings, and I am still breathing, eating and living… life’s not unfair, humans are not meant to be cruel, I shouldn’t be playing with someone’s heart… but I am…

.. I am holding on to the thinnest thread of hope, dreams are no longer there, even the day dreaming is lost… I am cruel in the meanest sense… I know…

Selfishness prevails, it does… I am engulfed in guilt of what I am doing to a lot of people around me. But I cant stop myself, I don’t want to.. Sometimes being selfish becomes your only reason to survive… and I wish to survive… though I would have preferred other circumstances…

Maybe not… this is life… like I like to say ‘life as it comes’ … this is my life and I love it.. I am not suicidal, I never will be, InshAllah… yet I cant say I will survive.. I will live, yes I will. For those that I have chosen as more important then my own self… but living will then be debatable…